Because judging someone is so much easier by comparison. Let the face-offs of the 70th Golden Globe Awards begin!
The Golden Globe for Best Use of Granny's Linen goes to... Lucy who? Lucy Liu! Yes apparently she's back? Jennifer Lopez is disqualified for entering with the dress she wore last year and the year before that and the year before that. Get a new look!
The Golden Globe for Best Boy in a Gown goes to... Anne Hathaway! At last - the hair is growing, right? She looks absolutely flawless. Speaking of floors, how many bathrooms were destroyed in the making of Jodie Fosters dress?
The Golden Globe for Best Actress in a Horror Flick goes to... Kaley Cuoco! Her dress invites you in like a sweet innocent birthday gift but her behind those beady eyes is an evil doll cackling while you sleep! Helen Bonham-Carter has toned down the teasing and actually looks reasonably normal for once.
The Golden Globe for the Face of Ferrero Rocher goes to... Michelle Dockery! A daring move in this stunning Alexandre Vauthier dress. Julianne Hough just looks like a well used tissue. A nice, soft tissue though - I'll give her that.
The Golden Globe for Hottest Pagani Model goes to... Julia Louis-Dreyfus. It came down to her glow. I just want to stroke her from one shoulder to the other. So smooth. But frankly, I hate both dresses.
The Golden Globe for Hottest Sofia Vergara goes to... Sofia Vergara! Even when she's been rolling around in wet tar, the girl looks hella fine. Mini-me Sarah Hyland is too teeny to be rocking such a va va voom look.
The Golden Globe for Tricky Tummy goes to... Jennifer Lawrence! I love a good reflective belt but there is nothing worse than when a belt rises up above the seam. Awkward! Meanwhile Kristen Wiig looks like she got creative with some leftovers from a skin graft. I still can't tell if it's a cut out or a well matched piece of fabric.
The Golden Globe for Best Time Travel Appearance goes to...
Emily Mortimer! While she's rocking a futuristic frock from 2023, Halle Berry seems to be stuck in 2003 trying to channel some sort of J.Lo.
The Golden Globe for Best Competitor in a Staring Competition goes to... Cody Horn! I love the black bands! Gives off a real censored vibe and I like that. Katharine McPhee looks sexy too but what you can't see below the pic, is her extended Angelina Jolie leg. Not in my town.
The Golden Globe for Most Shocking Look Ever goes to... Taylor Swift! Girl is finally dressing like the sultry slut she is and it makes me happy. OMG ADELE IS THAT A NEW NAIL POLISH?! YOU ARE CRAZAY!
